Hard Decisions
by Leyyty
Summary: Rush is facing the necessity of removing the tracker via an open- heart surgery. Young is facing his guilt. AU.


" TJ ", the Colonel`s voice was peremptory. " Take care of this. Cut it out."

" What?! I can`t! We have no proper equipment, hardly any instruments and…"

" And it has to be done," Young interrupted her. Forcing himself to turn to the scientist and casually glance at him, he added " Rush, you know that."

He couldnt read Rush`s half-averted face ( not that he had any particular wish to), but at this address the scientist lifted his head and full-stared at the Colonel.

There was denial in his eyes, struggle to appear calm. And raw fear.

It was this that forced the Colonel to add in a low voice " Hard decisions, you know. You have always been telling me to learn to take one."

A half-smile, half-nervous spasm tugged at the corner of Rush`s mouth.

" And you are making a truly remarkable progress, Colonel," he retorted in a tone, that he clearly intended to be sneering, but that only sounded bitter and - pathetic.

Probably hearing this himself he again turned away.

" Look, I can`t!" TJ`s voice cut in again, her distress mounting to near panic levels. " No one can, not even if you bring a surgeon over here. Not without any pharmaceuticals to speak of, why, we actually have no anesthetics!"

She stopped short, and Young heard Rush`s sharp intake of breath. The scientist`s shoulders tensed even more, though that seemed hardly possible. He drew his right hand across his breast, covering the lower part of his face with his left one, keeping his eyes down.

There was silence.

" He lived through this operation once," Young heard his own deliberate, much too level tone from afar, and he managed to wonder at his own harsh choice of words, " A second one won`t be lethal, I suppose."

Rush threw his head back.

" Are you hoping I have developed a kind of habit to tortures?" he said jerkily, his eyes unbearable to look at.

Young froze. Rush was looking straight at him, and now the pain and resignation in his eyes were swallowed by just- accusation.

" TJ," he brought out a minute later. " Start the preparations, I am contacting the Earth."

* * *

TJ caught him half- an- hour later.

" Sir, there must be another way out. We... we just got to find it."

" There IS no other way, " he snapped. "You think I just took the easiest one?"

TJ flinched.

" It will be terrible for him." she whispered.

" Not worse than that which has already happened."

TJ slowly shook her head.

" That is different. The aliens were enemies. We…" she swallowed. " We are supposed to be on his side."

Young suddenly felt much too tired for an appropriate answer. For any answer.

" No one is on his side, TJ," he murmured. " And he knows that. And we have to save the lives of everyone on board this ship, including his own. And that is the only way."

Tamara was silent.

* * *

" We are getting started as soon as the surgeon is here", TJ whispered to Young. He nodded and briefly glanced at the improvised surgical table.

Turning away he caught sight of Rush. The man was sitting half-way towards him. Alone.

And it struck Young for the first time, how **normal **that looked. Rush`s always being on his own, whatever - or whomever - he was fighting. Or trying to shield himself from.

Taking a step closer, Young came in view of his face.

He went cold.

Because he knew as clearly as if he were going through the same ordeal ( as he should, he sternly reminded himself), that the man was not just frightened, or tensing, or fighting for self- control.

He was clinging desperately, helplessly, to the last shreds of not even self-respect. Just to sanity.

And he knew that the man was just a few minutes, probably a few, breaths away from a complete break-down, from turning into a screaming, scared, helpless piece of living terror.

Moving instinctively, not even thinking of his own action, Young stepped close to the scientist and laid a hand on his shoulder.

It struck him simultaneously that he was probably the worst person to be touching Rush right now. Though, on the other hand, if he could sparkle anger or resentment in the man, probably that would work better for him.

No change passed across Rush. He seemed not to feel anything, to be too remote, too far submerged into this nightmare. The double nightmare.

Young felt his throat close. The remorse - the word seemed too pale, almost lifeless - that he had been fighting ever since the day on the planet, was now descending on him in a rushing, suffocating, burning wave.

Only he wouldn`t let it in.

This all had nothing to do with him or his actions. Because if it did, then he, Young, would just... just snap under the weight.

Only he wouldn`t, because Rush was merely taking the consequences of his own actions, damn him. His own.

And damn him for looking so hurt, and so helpless, and defenceless.

And damn the surgeon for not hurrying up and putting an end to this waiting torture.

And beginning the next one.

* * *

When they told him that the surgeon was there, he could only nod.

And carefully, very carefully keep from getting another glimpse of Rush`s face.

* * *

Rush was perfectly motionless while they were silently fixing the restraints. Ever so many of them. Ever so long.

The surgeon stepped up.

And Young moved away.

And closed his eyes a second earlier than Rush did.


End file.
